Turn It Off
by Lies.And.Distraction
Summary: "You can still see the stars in the UG, in most of the other planes, but they don't look the same. Joshua doesn't even glance at them anymore." Ten loosely-related drabbles. Warnings for language and references to suicide.


This time, I sorta unintentionally wrote things that could work together, so I put them in possible chronological order. =w= And suddenly everything started getting longer. xD

Debated putting this up, 'cause if I'm gonna keep doing these, chances are I'll do more that can fit within the bubble these are sort of in, but since I don't know one way or the other... I guess if I do write more, I can always compile them all and upload that.

* * *

**1. Raw**

It's still raw- not a loss, because here the kid is, sitting right in front of him, but a failure. Failure to change his mind, convince him that life was worth living while he still could. But he kind of expected it- Joshua isn't the type to go along with that. He wants control, wants to be able to decide his own fate.

The thing he mourns most is that Joshua will never know what life he could have made for himself had he not taken this route. What he could have done without a burden like this on his shoulders- welcome now, but the novelty will wear off all too soon.

He doesn't show his discomfort, returns the newly-crowned Composer's smile when it's directed towards him. Sanae's smile is forced, but Joshua's is bright, brighter than when he was alive- and Sanae wonders how long it's going to take before he realizes that this choice he's made has just as many problems as his life did.

**2. Sitting**

"How much longer, Sanae?" Joshua asks grumpily, and goes to shift again where he sits. Sanae raises an eyebrow, building annoyance from the last ten times he heard the same question making his eye twitch dangerously. Joshua goes still, but the pout on his face isn't conducive to Sanae finishing up his portrait- and it does nothing to help the annoyance hold.

He coughs to cover his amusement. "I'm almost done."

"That's what you said the last five times I asked," Joshua complains, and Sanae raises his eyebrows again, this time very pointedly. Joshua squirms, hardly looking the part of the full-grown adult _Composer_ he is now.

Sanae shakes his head. Just as little patience as when he was a kid. "Then stop asking."

Joshua glowers, but takes the hint.

**3. Starlight**

Joshua used to be fascinated by the stars. Sanae remembers that specifically. Walked him home one night, just to have him stand stock-still in the middle of the street, staring up at the sky.

"The stars themselves are so far away," the child mused, no haughty tone, no disdain yet at that point in his life. "Think of how bright they must be, for us to be able to see them."

It was an innocent statement, more awe-filled than anything, and Sanae remembers putting a hand on his shoulder and looking with him.

You can still see the stars in the UG, in most of the other planes, but they don't look the same. Joshua doesn't even glance at them anymore.

**4. Mastery**

"You're getting really good at this, Neku!" Shiki says as they finish off a handful of Noise, and Neku's not sure if he should be offended by the relief in her voice. Sure, he sucked at this fighting thing at first, but she doesn't have to be so surprised.

"Don't have much choice," he says shortly, and isn't that the truth. He doesn't plan on being Erased any time soon.

Even with all their improvement and synchronization, in the end, they barely make it past the Game Master at the end of the week. But it looks like he gets another week to practice his form, so that's something to look forward to.

Neku feels the anger like fire under his skin.

**5. Mystery**

"Is there anything you don't know?" Neku snaps, cutting him off mid-lecture, not patient enough to handle this all day long. How does Joshua expect him to remember all of this, anyway- or does he just like hearing himself talk? (He probably does.)

Joshua seems startled by his outburst, but is as unruffled as ever. "Something I don't know?" And that damn smirk slowly creeps onto his face again. "Well, if you want me to tell you-"

"No," Neku says, and turns away. "Never mind. I don't." Joshua doesn't push it, and that's probably good for Neku; who knows what he was going to say.

Neku is fine not knowing.

**6. Elevate**

But Joshua can _levitate_, and suddenly everything's so much easier. _Why were you holding back before? _Neku thinks angrily, but keeps it to himself. Joshua would probably laugh if he said anything- laugh and completely fail to explain anything at all.

But Neku has to give somewhere. _If it's a talent that I can use so many psychs, maybe it's normal that he can float, _he rationalizes. _His big head probably keeps him up there. _He drops it, and when he finds out _how much_ easier battles are with this new development, he can even find it in him just to be grateful.

He doesn't think too hard about why their sync rate seems to jump after Joshua reveals what he can do.

**7. Climb**

They've been headed up for what seems like forever, and both of them are panting hard. "How much... further?" Neku asks incredulously, putting his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath.

There are Noise all over the place, Reapers not helping, and Pi-Face is nowhere to be seen.

"He said... he'd be here," Joshua muses, and while he doesn't bend over, he does slump a little. For all he said he doesn't do 'the sweating thing,' Neku thinks he's being pretty nonchalant about it right now. "Maybe..." He shakes his head, takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, just like that almost has his breath back. "No, he has to be here. There are only so many floors, Neku; come on, we'll find him on one of them."

Neku glares, pants a little more and envies Joshua for recovering more quickly than he (And how? A pale, skinny, sickly-looking kid like this one- he should be in worse shape by far.). "Yeah, we'd better. Losing's not an option."

Joshua smiles inscrutably, and motions for them to continue.

**8. Curve**

And this is something he _was not expecting_, something that never even occurred to him- and he'd suspect _Mr. H _first, of _course_ (Really? How could he have thought something like that?), because he thought Joshua _fucking died for him_. No one has ever done something so wonderful for him, something so horrible to him.

He raises the gun, and though there are tears in his eyes, the reason he can't see clearly is because he's so _angry_. Angry... and hurt.

_How could you, Josh?_

And he sobs, slumps forward as he drops the gun, because no matter what Joshua- the _Composer_, hell- has done to him, he's also been his Partner. Fought with him, stuck with him despite his bad attitude. Understood him.

Neku thought he understood Joshua, even a little bit, but now he guesses he doesn't. At all. But he does know that he can't do it, and while he feels the blame for Shibuya's fate slowly start to crush him, he can't do anything about it.

Isn't quite sure he wants to.

**9. Marker**

"I'm not going to forget," Neku says irritably, but Shiki won't have any of it.

"Does anyone have a pen?" She looks at Beat and Rhyme expectantly, but Neku doesn't understand why she would think they would if she doesn't-

Then Beat starts rifling through his pockets, and Neku just stares as he pulls out a red marker. "I, uh," he says awkwardly. "I got this." And _why_ he has it, Neku can't begin to guess.

Shiki smiles cheerfully, and though Neku grew used to seeing it on Eri's face, it's definitely Shiki's smile. "That's perfect. Thank you," she says as he hands it over. A moment later, she grabs Neku's wrist- he involuntarily jerks back a little, but she holds him tight and starts writing the address down on his arm. "Remember, it starts at seven. Don't be late."

"Why are you only telling _me_ this?" Neku asks indignantly, and scowls when they all laugh at him.

**10. Blanket**

It's snowing, not much in the air now but at least a couple inches covering the surfaces of the city all around, and Sanae shivers and pulls his coat around him more tightly as he approaches Joshua.

It's a masochistic thing, it must be, why he comes up to this rooftop where he can watch those kids enjoy what Joshua willingly gave up long ago, but he's even doing it now. Sanae looks over the edge of the wall, spies them making their way to the crossing- looks back over at the Composer, whose eyes are trailing them with obsessive focus.

He snaps his fingers right in front of Joshua's nose.

"Hey, what are you doin' out here? You might be Composer, but you can still get frostbite."

For a moment, startled out of his thoughts, Joshua looks annoyed- and then he frowns. "I'm fine." His eyes shoot back to the gang- he doesn't find them for a moment, and his eyebrows pull, but they even out when the kids reappear.

_I'm fine_, he says- Sanae sighs, scratches his nose. But this is why he brought an extra coat. He drops it around Joshua's shoulders and steps closer to the wall, leans over on it.

Joshua finds it within himself to pull his attention back to Sanae again, blinks for a moment before registering the coat and pushing his arms through the sleeves. He'll never voice it, but the soft look on his face is gratitude enough. "So you're staying?" he asks.

Sanae grunts. Doesn't need to answer more than that. It was a stupid question in the first place.


End file.
